I love and yet am forced to hate
by XVampireEsmeX
Summary: Carlisle X Esme fic set in 1660's
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything

I know the English isn't proper for the time, but I hate reading 'old english' in fics as it just sounds so ridiculous and fake, plus it's easier to understand. :)

For some odd reason I always envision Carlisle's father as being like Frollo from the hunchback of notre dame...

xxxxxxxxxx

London 1662

...

Carlisle Cullen was the son of Matthew Cullen, the richest angelican pastor in London. He wanted for little, he was afterall the first and only born son, he was well educated and well dressed for the son of someone in his father's profession.

Carlise was undoubtably an attractive young man, he had bright blonde hair, like that of an angel most said, his skin was rather pale, even for someone who spent so long outside working with others, his eyes were blue, like the ocean on a calm day and he had a lean, muscled physic, uncharacteristically tall for most men of his time, at 6'2" he towered over his own father who was only 5'6" like most men.

At 22 he was the perfect marrying age, his father was determined to see him marry a wealthy and virtuous lady, preferably before he died and at the rate Carlisle was going, that was not going to happen.

Carlisle was disinterested in the women his father often introduced him to at the parties they were invited to.

The women were pretty, delicate and no doubt would rely heavily on their husbands once they had one. They weren't his type, it was incredibly unusual for a man of his upbrining, inteligence and status to yearn for a woman with a brain, a level of independance and wonder, it was also near impossible to find such a woman, even if he did, his father would never allow him to marry her.

He knew his father was corrupt, he took pleasure in burning those that were suposedly evil demons in the guise of terrified innocent humans.

Carlisle had decided quite a few years ago that when he took over from his father he would be different, he would be caring and honest and speak the truth, teach the truth to those that wished to know it, he would never judge, to judge was to condem both the innocent and yourself.

He knew his views were different and if his father knew he would no doubt recieve a good hiding with the leather belt that hung outside his bedroom.

Carlisle had resigned himself to a lonely life, married to a woman he didn't love, preaching about things that he didn't believe and condeming innocent people to death because that was the kind of person society wanted him to be, his father wanted him to be.

Perhaps if he married Rosaline he would come to love her, he had known her since childhood afterall.

Rosaline was a very beautiful woman of 19, her hair was a golden blonde that reached mid back, her eyes were green, like grass in spring, her skin was pale, unmarked and smooth, the only thing he could say was mismatched about her appearance was how thin she was, she was too thin, boney and perhaps not the best choice for childbaring, but there was still time for her to deveop, they were young afterall.

He had to admit, as beautiful as she was he felt little attraction to her and her true personality was not who she made herself out to be. She craved attention, yearned for it. She could be rude and spoilt, but never intended to be, it was simply how she was bought up.

She seemed interested in him, she would smile at him from across the church, a sweet smile that fit her face perfectly, he wondered how she could be so perfect, how every part of her suited her, unlike other women he had seen.

And here he was again, stood down beside his father as the sermon was being held, Rosaline's sweet smile causing a little smile of his own.

At the end his father spoke with him, he had seen the little exchange between the two and was pleased with Carlisle's choice of wife, Carlisle daren't tell him he hadn't decided yet, his father was a stern man and you never crossed him.

Once his chores around the church and house had been finished he decided to go for a walk, deciding how best to go about his future.

xxxxxxxxxxx

He walked to a stream he knew always calmed him, allowed him to think clearly.

As he arrived he noticed something blue hanging up in a tree, he moved closer and touched the blue linen, he picked it up and realised it was a dress, a carefully patched up dress complete with stays and stockings.

He backed up, feeling uncomfortable, what if he was caught?

He walked around away from the clothing, wanting to get to his favourite spot by the stream.

lying down in the best spot he heard something and sat up, looking over the long grass to see a young woman in the water, she appeared to be bathing, washing her long caramel red hair in the water, that must have been why the clothes were hung up.

He wanted to look away but something kept him looking on, she was beautiful, more beautiful to him that Rosaline, her hair hung down to her waist and her body was fuller, more curved and womanly, atleast that was how his friend Andrew had described them.

As his eyes involentarily scanned over her body he felt a strange feeling inside him, focused in his lower abdomen. Lust. He prayed in his head, begging for forgiveness and strength to overcome this sudden longing.

As he opened his eyes he saw her climbing out of the water, her chemise soaked and see through.

She was half covered by the long grass when she pulled it over her head, pulling a dry chemise on, no doubt warmed by sun, he felt a blush, it was the first time he had seen a woman bare, even if it was from behind, she was still beautiful. Her dark green stays were laced tightly over her chemise, her dress following.

She tied up her wet hair and placed a white straw hat with a blood red ribbon on her head, pinned into her hair to keep it in place.

He watched her turn around and realised she could see him, he got up as she ran off, wishing to apologise to her, as he got to where she had been he found a linen shawl tangled in the tree, he took it with him as he ran off in the direction she went.

He saw her curled up under a tree, holding the shawl out to her and he lifted his hands to show he was no threat.

"I wished to apologise, I had come to the stream to think and I promise I didn't mean to intrude"

"But you watched" She suprised him, her voice was strong, not quiet and delicate as most women were.

"I didn't mean to, I heard something and I was intrigued as to what it was, I once again apologise and beg your forgiveness Miss..."

"Esme Ann Platt"

She held out her hand to him, a little smirk as he kissed her hand.

"Esme Ann...beautiful"

She blushed slightly, a fascinating sight to him, he had never seen a woman blush before, let alone been the reason for such a reaction.

"And you are?"

He was suprised she didn't know him, everyone in their village knew him and his father, but then again, if she lived in the village it would be impossible for him to have not noticed such a beautiful woman.

"Carlisle Cullen" He bowed to her, he had been bough up a gentleman afterall.

She patted the ground beside her, suprising him again, she didn't seem bothered about asking him to join her.

He sat beside her, observing her more, her pale skin was freckled from sunlight, her eyes a dark brown and her lips full and red.

"Where do you live?"

"Carlisle Cullen, What kind of woman do you think I am, to tell you where I live when I barely know you"

"I apologise...I didn't mean to offend you"

She smirked again as he stumbled over his words.

A laugh escaped her lips and he looked up at her, he wanted to hear that sound again, it was so wonderful, honest joy, another thing he had never seen a woman do was laugh and to laugh so genuinly was something most would never even consider in their life time.

"In answer to your question Carlisle Cullen, I live here"

She held out her hand to gesture to the surrounding area.

"Here? !"

"Yes, I have no home, my parents were murdered by someone who was never found and I was thrown out and left to fend for myself with a little money"

He got up, holding his hand out to her"

"Come with me, my father is a pastor, he would surely not deny you help"

"Why?"

"Because he is suposed to help those that need it, I am suposed to help those who need it"

"Do you want to?"  
He looked confused at her, unsure what she ment.

"Do you want to help or are you just suposed to?"  
"I want to, Helping people makes me happy"

"Well if it makes you happy Sir, I guess that is a good enough reason to accept your offer of help, Thank you Sir"

"Carlisle, please, I am not above you"

She laughed again.

"But you are a man, you are suposed to be above me are you not?"

Her voice held distain and anger, she clearly didn't agree with that statement, neither did he.

"I may have been bought up to believe women are temptation, evil demons. But I cannot see how you can be anything but my equal, I have seen so many burn to death, the women were always the bravest, taking their punishment with their head held high, I have often been humbled by such strong attitudes in the face of death"

She smiled, a full smile for the first time, taking his arm and letting him lead her to his home, he was secretly praying his father would let her stay, if he did, she would have to behave as a virtuous and demure young lady, perhaps Annelise, the house keeper, would be so kind as to care for her in her quarters, Esme could always work with Annelise, she needed the help anyway.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle was suprised his father hadn't returned before him, instead he found Annelise sat sewing at the kitchen table.

"Ah Master Carlisle, do you need anything?"

"Could you get some tea and something to eat for Miss Platt here?"

"Ofcourse sir, It's nice to meet you Miss Platt"

She shook Esme's hand as she got up to make tea.

xxxxxxxxx

Carlisle sat facing Esme at the kitchen table, Annelise sat in the large arm chair in the corner of the room, the smile on her face suggesting she knew something they didn't.

His father returned soon after, he looked at Esme as if she were a servant forgetting her place.

Carlisle stood up and walked to his father

"Father, this is Miss Platt, she has been thrown out of her home, I offered her a place to stay, with your blessing, she could stay with Annelise"

"Yes, if you are to stay here you will have to pay your way, we will offer you a place as a servant"

"Thankyou sir,"

She smiled bowing her head, he was stern and looked at her with disgust, as if she was a common whore, but for Carlisle's sake she bit her tongue.

Annelise took Esme down to the servants quarters, setting up a small bed for her and giving her an apron, going over the house rules and routine.

xxxxxxxxx

"Go to your room Carlisle"

Carlisle knew what was coming, surely his father could see Esme was a wonderful woman.

Carlisle removed his jacket and shirt, gritting his teeth as he heard the belt buckle clank against the wall.

He gripped the wooden chair as the belt made contact with his skin, the sickening sound of leather on soft flesh echoing around the room.

"You looked at her with lust didn't you, just like those disgraceful sinners, looking at that whore. You bring a whore here again and you are gone, I will have no woman here disgracing the Cullen name, Do you understand?"

"Yes sir"

As his father stormed out Carlisle released the breath he was holding, picking up his shirt.

A gasp sounded from the door and before he could turn around he felt a cold hand touch his back close to the wounds.

"Your father did this?"

He nodded, why did she care?

"Why?"

"Because I brought you here, because he knows I found you attractive"

"I should go...I can't possibly stay if he is doing this to you because of me"

He turned around, feeling a sadness at the lack of contact. Pulling on his shirt he shook his head.

"No, I want to help you. If it means I must suffer for it then so be it"

She smiled, taking his hand in her own.

"You, Master Carlisle, are truely a kind and gentle man...The woman you marry will certainly be a very lucky lady"

She seemed to be blushing at the last bit, making a smile grace his face.

"I'd best go, I only came to give you your shirts and to thank you"

"You're welcome Esme, and in future, please call me Carlisle, at least just infront of me"

"Yes Carlisle"

She smiled as she turned and walked out, returning to the kitchen.

Carlisle had to admit he liked her, the mention of a wife had cause him to think only of her, them, married, with children, in love.

It was wrong of him to think so, he father would punish him again if he knew of his thoughts.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Esme had been with them for over two months now and had improved everything for Carlisle, she attended the sermons, a smirk on her lips as their eyes met across the church, Rosaline seemed jealous of the lack of attention from Carlisle, but he didn't care, he only had eyes for Esme.

...

He came down in the morning, finding Esme kneeling infront of the fire, soot and dirt smudged on her face and dress as she cleaned and set the fire, he didn't like seeing her so close to the fire, it reminded him of the women his father put to death, the punishment he had recieved for even daring to question why his father burnt those people.

"Good morning Carlisle"

"Good morning Esme"

His father had left an hour earlier, making his day easier.

"I was wondering, if you would like to accompany me to the market this morning"

"I can't, Annelise needs my help"

She was stood up now, watching as he came closer.

"I see, what if I told you to accompany me?"

"Asserting yourself as master?"

He nodded, a smirk on his lips.

"Then I would have no choice but to do so"

His hand came up to wipe away some soot, he wanted to see her pale skin again.

He found himself leaning closer, their lips meeting breifly.

"Esme...I...forgive me, it was inappropriate"

"It doesn't matter"

xxxxxxxxxx

They continued to speak in secret, exchanging quick kisses and sweet words, with Esme he felt alive, a happiness no man could possibly have felt before, she was wonderful, she taught him so much about himself, about people. He adored her and he longed to marry her.

xxxxxxxxxx

He rushed to her, his father couldn't possibly expect this of him, surely.

"Esme!"

She turned, the smile fading from her lips as Carlisle dropped down before her, taking her hands in his own and resting his forehead on them.

She knelt down too, lifting his head up to look into his blue eyes.

"Carlisle?"

"Esme, My father is making me lead the next hunt, I have found what I believe to be a real coven of vampires, but I cannot condem them to die, if I am wrong...But I cannot decline, my father is ill and I am expected to lead, if I don't my father will be disgraced"

"Carlisle, do what you feel is right, if you chose to lead them to the vampires...promise me you will be careful, you are my life, without you...I can't live"

"He held her face in his hands, wiping the tears from her cheeks and pressing a kiss to her lips, he pulled her close as she wrapped her arms around his neck, the fear of losing eachother wouldn't let them go, their bodies pressed together allowed them to feel their hearts beating in unison, perfectly matched, as if they were ment to be together.

"I promise you I will be careful, I love you and when I return...If you accept...I wish to marry you"

She looked shocked and wrapped her arms around his again.

"How could you possibly think I wouldn't accept, if I do not marry you, I will never marry anyone"

He kissed her again, overwhelmingly happy, ignoring the dread in the pit of his stomach.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own anything

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle prepared to lead the group, he had ran over every possible course of action and the only thing he could do was as his father wished. All he really wanted to do was what he usually did late at night, sit beside the fire with Esme as they read a book from his study.

But he couldn't do that, he had to do this not only to protect the people in his town. but also to prove his worth to his father, assert himself as the man of the house his father had said.

He kissed Esme goodbye, greatful his father was not there to see, before heading off, leaving Esme behind with Annelise.

xxxxxxxxx

They found the coven within half an hour, one of the ice white monsters crawling up from the sewer.

It's red eyes latched onto his, he felt no fear, the others ran at the creature that disapeared in seconds, he watched for it, the others heading off in different directions.

He ran one way, holding up the torch in hopes of catching a glimps of the thing.

Something caught him, holding tightly, it's ice cold fingers poking holes into his shirt, bruising his skin as its cold clammy mouth closed over the pulsing vein in his neck.

xxxxxxxx

Esme violently thrashed around, waking from her nightmare, Carlisle had been attacked by some evil monster, killing him.

Her heart was racing, her breath ragged.

She quietly got up, walking to Carlisle's room, he wasn't there, she worried then, she needed him to comfort her, needed to know he was safe.

xxxxxxxxxxx

23 year old Carlisle Cullen, first born son of the angelican pastor Matthew Cullen, was lying in the gutter, warm blood dripped from his neck as a burning coursed through him, he had managed to get to a safe place, away from people.

He slid into an abandoned cellar, burrying himself in rotten potato skins as the pain became unbareable, he silenced his screams with the potato peelings.

All his thoughts focused on Esme, his beautiful Esme whom he would never see again, he couldn't go back to her like this, he was becoming a monster, and to ruin her life by going to her would kill him, she deserved to find a normal man, who would love her more than him.

xxxxxxxxx

Esme woke as the sun warmed her face, her eyes were still red from the night before.

She rushed upstairs to find Carlisle's bed untouched, cold.

She collapsed on the floor, a fresh flood of tears spilling forth from her deep brown eyes.

Would she ever see him again?

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle emerged from the rotten potato, taking in his surroundings through new eyes, he could feel everything, from the dust in the air to the cracks in the floor. He could see so much more, now he understood what the great poets described, he could see a beauty that had been hidden to him before.

His reflection repulsed him, he was beautiful, with white, unmarked skin and pink lips. His eyes were the most disgusting, his eyes were blood red, now he truely never could see Esme again, he would frighten her, he couldn't dare do such a thing.

He weeped for his love, he knew never seeing her again would cause her terrible suffering, suffering she didn't deserve.

He wandered away from the village, seeing her for the last time as she emptied a bucket of rotten food into the pigsty.

He found a place far enough away, a cave beneith a cliff, no one would find him here. There was hope for him though, he had found he could live off animal blood, having attacked a passing herd of deer. Perhaps he could change the ways of his kind, it was the first feeling of hope he had felt in many months.

xxxxxxxxx

Esme hadn't seen him for 3 weeks, she couldn't eat, sleep or talk without him, he was everything to her.

...

6 months after he left, she got up before sunrise and left the house, letting her feet guide her to where she needed to be.

...

The cliff was high and the loud roaring of the sea below drowned out her sobbing.

She walked forward, looking down at the swirling grey below, her feet continued on and she took a deep breath, whispering Carlisle's name into the wind as she fell over the edge.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own anything

Short one :)

xxxxxxxxxx

Esme had spent the past 6 months living in her, presumed dead, lovers home with his father and a man whom Matthew had offered shelter to, Charles Evenson.

He was an abusive alcoholic who hit her repeatedly, he had even attempted to rape her at one point, but Annelise had saved her, recieving a slap to the face for doing so.

The evening before she jumped Esme had overheard Matthew talking with Charles, he was offering her as payment for some debt he had gotten himself into, offering to marry them if his debts were cleared.

She had spent many hours of her life dreaming of the time she could have had with Carlisle, the wedding, the children she would have given him, if she had had the chance she would have given him everything not just her mind, body and soul, but, if there had been any chance at all, she would have given her life for him happily. She would cry herself to sleep as she thought of their wedding, the love and happiness that they would share in that one day.

She promised Carlisle she would never marry anyone but him, to break that promise was unthinkable and to break it to marry a brute like Charles was just stupid. She would never consent to marry him and so, if she could not be with Carlisle in life, she would be with him in death.

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle was sat deep within the cave, the damp would have had him shivering if he had been human, but he was not anymore, now he was a monster, his damp clothes did nothing. He must have looked the monster he was, torn and disheviled clothing, messy hair and blood red wild eyes, the true image of evil.

As he sat with his knees curled up to his chest he thought of Esme, imagined what his life with her would have been like, their wedding day, with no shame he even envisioned their wedding night, the children they would have had, the love and joy they would have given each other as husband and wife. He would have treated her better than any man ever had treated a woman, he would have lavished her with love and attention and given her anything her heart desired, he would give her the earth in a box if she had asked for it.

As he played over the once possible events he was brought out of his thoughts as he heard his name, whispered on the wind, a loud splash and then cracking as something hit the water,intrigued he searched for it and found Esme being thrown into the rocks and dragged under by the cold grey hands of the ocean.

He pulled her out, he could hear her heart, smell the blood from her wounds, he felt his heart ache, as if it was being ripped out.

He placed a kiss to her cold blue lips, wiping her wet caramel curls from her face.

The evil thing inside him was returning with the smell of the blood, he tried to force it down but before he could do anything he had attacked the source of the delicious scent, listening to the beating of her heart as it slowed, the blood that touched his tongue urged him to drink more.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	5. Chapter 5

I don't own anything

xxxxxxxxxx

She didn't move, didn't whimper as he had done, just lay in his arms as he finally removed his mouth from her neck.

He looked at her, now in control of himself he was confused, he had bitten her like the vampire had him, but she didn't cry out in pain, she didn't open her eyes or even breath, her heart wasn't beating. He shook her gently, urging her to wake.

"Esme?...Esme wake up" He heard his voice break as he said it, the knowledge of what he had done finally hitting him.

He held her to him as he wept for her, for what he had done. He would never forgive himself.

His beautiful Esme was dead in his arms because he was a monster, a monster who had killed the only woman he would ever love.

"Forgive me" he kissed her forehead as he lay her down on the cold stone floor, promising he would return soon.

xxxxxxxxxx

He slipped out into the darkening afternoon, the rapidly aproaching storm good cover for him.

He slipped into a nearby house and finding what he needed he left some money and headed back, buying some flowers on his way.

xxxxxxxxx

He returned to Esme, lying beside her for the rest of the day, he wasn't ready to let her go.

He pulled her to him and closed his eyes, inhailing the scent of her hair as he sobbed uncontrollably, he shed no tears which angered him, he was such an evil creature he could not mourn the loss of his would be wife at his own hand.

Soon the sun was rising and he reminded himself he could not stay with her forever.

He changed her dress into the white lace one he had taken, smoothing her hair and surrounding her with flowers, placing a rose beneith her clasped hands.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, then her lips, cold and unmoving against his own.

He let out a roar, full of sorrow and anger, he needed her and now because of him she wasn't here.

xxxxxxxxx

He inhailed her scent once again before apologising for the last time, leaving and not daring to turn back for fear he would never leave her.

xxxxxxxx

He held no emotion now, he was a shell of himself, not even sorrow resided inside him.

He felt empty, as if his whole life had been taken from him, and to him it had, she was his only reason for living and he had killed her.

xxxxxxxxx

Carlisle wondered for months untill he ended up in France, there he met a doctor and with that, realised his destiny, to help people, but it would take years for him to control himself, he only hoped by becoming a doctor, Esme would forgive him, he would never meet her in heaven, he could never even dream of her, but he could always talk to her, let her know how much he truely hated himself for doing what he did. He only wished he knew why she had fallen off the cliff, perhaps one day he would know, but again, it could play on his mind for the rest of eternity and he would let it, he deserved to suffer, to punish himself for everything.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	6. Chapter 6

I don't own anything

My knowledge on Carlisle's history is limited so just go along with it :D

I'm sorry about the length of these chapters, I'm trying to lengthen them :)

xxxxxxxxxx

It had been so long, almost 70 years, he had learnt so much on his travels, he would sit in the evenings when he had finished, telling Esme all about what he had learnt, who he had saved and how hard he had worked, all for her.

He had painted a picture of her, her beautiful face forever with him, he would never leave it, he needed it.

xxxxxxxxx

His studies eventually lead him to Italy, the mention of more of his kind had intrigued him.

The Volturi were the equivalent of royalty to vampires, lead by Marcus, Caius and Aro, they upheld the law, ensured their kind were kept safe.

Carlisle longed to know more about his kind and who else better to teach him than the oldest known vampires in history, the volturi.

xxxxxxxxxx

He quickly became a member of the volturi guard, protecting the vampires within the castle, although he barely saw any of them, he became friends with a man named Eleazar.

Originally from Spain, Eleazar had come to volterra for the same reason as himself, he told Carlisle alot bout their kind, about what killed them, the main thing that really hurt Carlisle was the mention of a mate, he tried to avoid the conversations as he was sure Esme was his and he had killed her, to know he would face eternity forever alone terrified him, but he deserved such punishment for killing her.

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle had been part of the guard for a little over 10 years, his day was always the same, stop anyone suspicious, breifly catch a glimps of the vampires within the castle, speak to Eleazar and spend his eternity watching and waiting for something he was sure would never come.

This particular day Carlisle and Eleazar were discussing the leaders of the Volturi.

"Aro started it all, he wishes to ensure that the law is followed, most vampires go along with it willingly, but there are some who dislike it, try to do as they please and are punished accordingly"

"I understand wanting to uphold the law, but to kill our own kind for a simple mistake seems obsurd"

"Really?"

Carlisle and Eleazar turned at the sound of an unfamiliar voice.

Aro was stood behind them, a smile on his face.

"Carlisle yes?"

He took Carlisle's hand and nodded his head.

"Yes, walk with me Carlisle Cullen"

Carlisle obeyed, intrigued by this sudden interaction.

xxxxxxxxx

"You fascinate me, feeding from animals is a very unique choice, very strange, all to protect humans...All because of this...Esme"

Carlisle flinched at the mention of her, he felt like someone had punched him.

"Come, I would like you to meet someone"

Carlisle was intrigued, who could he want him to meet?

xxxxxxxxx

Carlisle heard music, a harpsichord by the sound of it.

Infront of the harpsichord sat a young woman, caramel hair flowing down her back.

His heart almost lept out of his chest, was it his Esme?

The woman turned, her red eyes meeting his as she stopped playing.

"Carlisle, this is Rosaline, I do believe you knew her at one point"

Carlisle nearly collapsed, there sat Rosaline, the woman he had once considered marrying, before Esme. Her hair was different to what it had been, it was a redder colour,just like Esme's her skin was paler and she was thinner than ever.

"Carlisle? Carlisle Cullen?"

She got up, rushing to him and throwing her arms around him.

"I knew you'd return to me"

He grabbed her wrists and pushed her away from him.

"Rosaline...What happened to you?"

"I was attacked by some monster, it bit me and left me for dead, I changed into this, don't I look beautiful?" She span around as if to prove her point.

"You look as beautiful as ever"

His voice was laced with undisguised disapointment.

"Come, let's walk"

She had dragged him out of the room and towards the garden before he could decline, he turned to speak with Aro and was met with thin air.

He felt a fresh wave of sorrow and loneliness as the thought of Esme being alive, the hope that had invaded his heart and mind, tore at him, reminded him of what he did and how he would never see her again, it felt so much more real now, now he could not pretend it had simply been a terrible nightmare.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	7. Chapter 7

I don't own anything

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle had only known Rosaline as a vampire for little more than a year and already he was growing tired of her, he did what he could to please her, as was his nature, but there was only so much he could take of her constant narcissism.

He praised her beauty and told her what she wanted to hear, all but one thing, he knew she wanted him to tell her but he would never say it, he would never tell her he loved her because he never would.

Rosaline was determined to make him fall for her, but she was going about it the wrong way, she flirted, she flaunted and enhanced everything, forever saying how beautiful she was and how every other woman was inferior.

...

One afternoon Rosaline sat with Carlisle in the garden, she turned her nose up at the idea of sitting on the floor and insisted they sit on a bench. She was nothing like Esme. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help but compaire everything she did to Esme.

She was nearly sat on his knee, learning too far over to him. She wore a light pink dress, laced tightly to show off her chest, attempting to create the illusion of a full bust, but she was fooling no one, nothing like that would make him want her, it only made him compaire her to Esme more, Esme was the measure for everything in his life and nothing lived up to her.

"Carlisle...are you listening to me?"

"I'm sorry Rosaline? I was distracted"

"By what?"

"The flowers"

"The flowers!...Why do you intend to give someone flowers?"

There was a slight movement of his head, not quite understandable as a yes or no.

"Anyway, I was going on about that little servant girl that used to live with you, she was always dirty and ever so messy, I often wondered if she ever even saw a comb. But I did hear a rumour that your father had planned to marry her off, to some man named Charles, he deserved something much more than that dirty little servant. She was hardly pretty was she, I mean compaired to me she was positivly ugly, what was her name again, Eliza? Ellen?"

"Esme" He said it through gritted teeth, how could she say such things about Esme, his beautiful Esme whom outshined her even in death.

"Oh that's right...I heard a rumour she liked you, she can't have that much if she was willing to marry Charles, although she seemed a little dim because I heard another rumour that he would hit her, doesn't suprise me she was a stubborn little mule"

Carlisle stood up, suprised at how long it had taken him to snap.

"Don't talk about Esme like that, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and continues to be so to this day"

"What? Where is she then?"

Rosaline looked around as if expecting her to be near her.

"...She...She died" He whispered it, dropping back down onto the bench.

"Oh, well I guess she would be by now, although I never saw her again, a few months after you disapeared she vanished, I presumed she had got lost or fallen of a cliff somewhere" Her laughter chilled him.

"She did"

She stopped her laughing.

"Really?"

"Yes I found her, tried to save her and she died"

"Oh, I'm sorry" she placed her hand on his knee, a feeling of revulsion rising in him.

Rosaline lent forward, her lips almost brushing his.

"Rosaline!"

He stood up, sending her tumbling onto the grass.

"Oh! look at my dress!"

Carlisle stormed off, leaving some poor vampire to help the stupid little girl.

xxxxxxxxx

He sat before the painting of Esme, the smile on her red lips almost taunting him.

Still angered from before, he lashed out and tore the picture to shreds, even the frame was irrepareable.

When he realised what he had done he lay on the floor, holding the pieces to him as he curled up into a fetal position, quietly sobbing, clutching onto the pieces of her portrait so hard they turned to dust.

xxxxxxxxx

Rosaline soon grated on Aro's nerves, whining and demanding more from him.

She had been more obsessed with herself that the rules of vampires, believing she could do as she pleased, it angered Aro, Marcus and Caius to the point where they were determined to get rid of her.

So Aro spied his chance when she hunted within the walls of Volterra.

...

Carlisle felt little sorrow for her as he stood watching her die, the sadness he felt was for the loss of life, not the woman, she had thrown herself at any man in a bid for attention and only ended up dead.

...

Now two women he had known and considered marrying were dead, perhaps it was a sign from God, perhaps he was not suposed to marry or love, he was a monster afterall, it was only right he had destroyed his only chance of happiness when he murdered Esme.

...

He didn't paint her portrait again, he did not deserve to look upon her beauty, not that he would have done her justice. To ease his suffering by painting her would not be fair, this was his chastisement, this was his punishment that he deserved, to be denied everything to do with her.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	8. Chapter 8

I don't own anything

Short one)

xxxxxxxxxx

30 years, 30 long years he had spent with the Volturi, the constant encouragement by Aro to drink human blood was slowly working away at his control, but he wouldn't give in, he was not going to kill again.

It had been so long since he had seen Esme he was begining to forget how she looked in life, all he had were the memories of her dying in his arms, her cold blue lips and snow white skin. She played on his mind every minute of every day, without sleep his thoughts could taunt him, punish him for what he did.

xxxxxxxxxx

He left soon after, he could take it no longer, being trapped inside the castle, inside his mind, he needed someone, he needed to help people.

He returned to England, to the place he had left Esme.

The cave was just as he remembered, cold, wet and dark, but his eyes allowed him to see clear enough.

He found the remains of the dress he had put her in, the flowers having rotted decades ago, there was simply dust and a few remains of the lace of the gown that hadn't quite decayed yet, he placed a rose over where she had been, lying beside the now empty space.

"Esme..."

He allowed himself to remeber everything, pulling her from the water, the cuts and bruises and broken bones, the slowing of her heart.

He remebered biting her, the taste of her blood on his tongue, so delicious, he had never tasted blood like it since. But her heart stopped, her bones didn't fix, she didn't scream didn't even open her eyes, she died never knowing he had found her, perhaps it had been best, she wouldn't have died knowing it was him that killed her, he was suposed to be her lover.

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle visited the graveyard behind the old church, he soon found his father's grave.

His icy fingers touched the cold headstone, a little of it crumbling under his touch, he knelt down, finally letting his emotions go, feeling all the sorrow and dispair rush forth, he could not cry, but he could weep tearlessly, for everything he had lost.

xxxxxxxxxx

He didn't spend much longer in England, the memories too painful to stand.

He moved on, wandering from place to place, eventually landing in America over 100 years later, finally a doctor, his control the best of any of his kind and ready to save lives as he had planned to.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review)


	9. Chapter 9

I don't own anything

I'm sorry these are so short at the moment, I am trying to add more to them. :)

xxxxxxxxxx

1917, Chicago.

An epidemic of the Spanish unfluenza was keeping Carlisle in the hospital, it was killing many of his patients, a cruel blow. He knew it was only right to expect death but he still suffered for each and every patient he lost.

Edward was 17 years old. The thin, pale and sickly boy was dying, his mother took Carlisle off to the side, struggling to move herself.

"Dr. Cullen, I need you to save my son" She looked right into his eyes "Any way you can" The emphasis on the last sentance made him sure she knew what he was. As a wave of coughing hit her he escorted her back to her bed.

She soon died, still pleading with her last breath for him to save her son.

He looked over at the boy, only 17 years old, he deserved a second chance and truthfully he himself was lonely, he needed someone, perhaps Edward could be that someone, the dying wish of a mother was for him to save her son and so he did.

He apologised over and over untill it was done, Edward was changed, a second chance at life but forever trapped as a 17 year old.

xxxxxxxxxx

1920

"Ashland? Why Ashland?"

"I think it would be a nice change, we can't stay here any longer you know that Edward"

"I know, I just wish we could stay, just a little longer"

"I know you do, I wish the same, you will come to accept it eventually"

Edward nodded, packing up the books in the living room.

xxxxxxxxx

"Here were are, our new home"

"It's great...dad"

Edward had called him dad after the first few years, once he had settled and realised that Carlisle had simply done what his mother had begged him to, what he felt was right. At first Edward had been angry and very hard to cope with, but soon he listened and came to understand, to forgive Carlisle and even be thankful for the second chance at life he had given him.

Carlisle always felt a sence of pride and happiness when Edward adressed him as dad, he had anyways wanted to be a father, he noticed Edwards concerned glance as a memory of Esme slipped from the confines of his mind.

Edward always wished to ask who the caramel haired woman was, why she was so important that he felt the need to hide her from him, but he dare not, to upset the only man he had ever seen as a father would be unnecissary.

...

The house was a small, whitewash cottage deep within the forest, perfect for hunting and hiding.

"Go look in the room by the kitchen"

"Why? What are you hiding from me?"

Carlisle had purposely hidden his thoughts for weeks, much to Edward's annoyance as, since he had found out about his power,he had enjoyed attempting to control it.

"Go and find out"

Edward rushed off into the house.

Carlisle followed at human pace, enjoying the peacefulness of the area.

Edwards excited, wide eyed look made him happy, Edward clearly liked his present.

"My own piano?"

"Yes, yours. I know you loved to play and I would love to hear real music once again, enjoy the sound as it fills the house"

Edward nodded in understanding, belongings forgotten as he sat to play.

Carlisle tapped his foot to the music, how he had missed it these past years.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	10. Chapter 10

I don't own anything

xxxxxxxxxx

1921, Ashland.

"Carlisle I think we need to take a trip into town"

"What for?"

"People are starting to wonder why they never see us in public unless it's school or work"

"Well I guess we had best go then, I will sort out this paperwork and we will go"

Edward nodded, leaving Carlisle to tidy up.

xxxxxxxxx

"Here"

Carlisle handed Edward some money and left him to look around the shops himself, he was strong enough to do so now.

"Thankyou" Edward went into the bookshop nearby, it's dusty windows showing barely any light from inside, books piled high infront of the windows.

Carlisle smiled, going into the butchers, wondering what he could do with the food he bought.

xxxxxxxxx

Edward inhaled the familiar scent of old books, burning coal from the fire, how he loved book shops, much like his father, they would often both sit and read, while reading they could forget what they were, pretend they were human.

He caught a strange scent and turned to it, it was sweet and floral like honeysuckle and lilac.

Turning he caught sight of a woman leaving the shop, her caramel hair glowing in the dim firelight.

He quickly paid for the books in his hands before rushing out after her, perhaps it was the woman Carlisle had thought about, perhaps if he bought her back his father would get out of the depression he was secretly battling with, Carlisle thought he hid it but Edward knew, Edward always knew.

As he rushed out he bumped right into Carlisle.

"Dad!"

"Edward? Why are you rushing?"

"I...Nothing, Just thought I saw something"

"What might that have been?"

"Just someone I recognised"

"Perhaps we had best get back then"

"Yes...perhaps"

xxxxxxxxxx

Carlisle sighed, rubbing his temples, he was thinking of Esme more than he should be, he had tried to banish her from all thoughts, but now he couldn't stop thinking of her.

He took a walk outside, placing a flower beneith the tree that reminded him of the one he had first spoken to Esme under, the one they met under so often, sharing kisses and promises, thinking back on it now he realised how naive he had been, thinking they could possibly have been together.

He had felt so low for so many years he couldn't remember what happiness felt like, Edward gave him some measure of happiness, but nothing compaired to what Esme had given him in the breif time he had known her, loved her.

xxxxxxxxx

He sat for hours, thinking over all the hazy memories of his beautiful Esme, every second of her life, even the horrific end he had caused.

He grew angry, rushing off in the direction of the woods, perhaps a hunt would sooth this anger, the desire to hurt.

He launched himself at a passing herd of deer, tackling the strongest one to the floor and draining it of blood.

His head shot up as he senced someone near.

"Edward?"

He caught a scent, sweet, it wasn't Edward.

Running in the direction he came face to face with another vampire, a woman, a growl escaping her lips, her gold eyes hard, warey of him. His stance mimiked her own, crouched low, ready to pounce at the stranger.

As she shook her hair away from her face he nearly felt his heart beat again.

He stood up.

"Esme?"

She stood up, still warey of him, she took a step forward.

"Carlisle?"

He had rushed at her and had her in his arms before either of them could speak.

His lips decended onto hers, littering her skin with kisses, god he had missed her, and by her reaction so had she.

"Where...How...I thought you were dead, you had no heartbeat"

She smiled, venom glossing over her eyes. She took his hand and placed it over her heart.

"What do you feel?"

"Nothing"

She then placed his hand over his own heart.

"And now?"

"Nothing"

He realised then, she had died, but she had become like him, just as he had wanted, he could have hit himself.

"Oh Esme forgive me"

He pulled her to him, holding her tightly.

"I understand, it's fine"

"But...I left you, all this time, I suffered thinking you were dead and if I had just waited we could have been together"

"I suffered too I assure you, but I'm here now"

"Esme, I must ask...Do...Do you still love me?"

She shook her head, sighing.

Her lips met his again, tasting the blood of his hunt mixed with his own taste, delicious.

"Do you still love me?"

"I have loved you every second of my life Esme, I will continue to do so untill the end of time itself"

She laughed, lauching herself at him, the overwhelming feeling of happiness surrounding them both.

"Come meet Edward"

"Edward?"

"My son, of sorts"

"Oh, was he the boy I saw in the bookshop earlier?"

"Most likely... it was you he saw wasn't it...Why didn't he tell me"

"I didn't want to hurt you, telling you she was alive when I wasn't sure"

Edward stood before the two, a smile on his lips, his father was happy, he only hoped Esme would like him and become his mother somewhat, his own mother had only cared for him during the last days of her life, it was what she was suposed to do, come across as the doting mother, perhaps Esme could be the mother to him as Carlisle was the father he never had.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	11. Chapter 11

I don't own anything

Very short one, I'm sorry it took so long I'm running out of good ideas.

xxxxxxxxxx

"I missed you, so much so I have been in physical pain all these years"

Carlisle lay with Esme beside him, his fingers twirling strands of her caramel curls as her fingers played with the buttons of his shirt.

"I missed you, I'd been following your trail for a little while before I lost you, I thought you were trying to get away from me. I was so confused, so lost, but I met someone else like us, her name was Carmen, she was returning to Italy after a breif 'holiday' in England. Carmen taught me alot, she was even considering changing her diet to mine"

"I met Carmen, In Italy a few years ago, she was lovely and was still planning on changing her diet, along with her mate Eleazar"

"She mentioned him...I breifly wondered if I would ever have a mate"

She felt Carlisle pull her closer to him, she knew he regretted not waiting longer.

"I'm sorry, I promise you if I'd have known you had survived I would have waited, but I heard your heart stop, I couldn't take the fact I had killed you, I'd have to live without you..."

Esme turned and placed a kiss to his cheek.

"I understand, but I'm here now, with you and I intened to stay with you for as long as you will have me"

"Eternity wouldn't be long enough for me my love"

Esme smiled, burrying her face into his neck as he wrapped his arms tightly around her, keeping her close to him.

"Marry me"

"My answer is the same as it was 258 years ago Carlisle. Yes"

xxxxxxxxxxx

Edward was overjoyed, he could hear the undeniable love and adoration from both of them, his father was alive, happy, something he has never seen in him before, and now he would have a mother, Esme, how perfect thier family would be.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)


	12. Chapter 12

I don't own anything

I'm sorry it took so long, this is a rather short end chapter.

xxxxxxxxxx

Their wedding was simple, elegant.

Edward was kind enough to give her away and be Carlisle's best man, a rather unusual ceremony, but Esme enjoyed it none the less, Edward their only guest, no cake or champagne since they had no need for it, her cream lace dress and lilac rose bouquet perfect considering it was the wedding she never thought she'd have.

Their honeymoon was originaly going to be at their new home before Edward moved in, but they found Edward had had other ideas.

A week in paris in a little hotel.

Esme had thanked Edward a hundred times over for his wedding present.

But as they settled into thier room she began to get nervous.

xxxxxxxxx

"Esme, is there something wrong?"

It was the third time she had neatened out the already crease free bed.

She shook her head, smiling at him.

He took her hands in his own, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"What is it Esme?"

She bit her lip, causing him to force down the urge to kiss her.

"I'm...I don't completely know what to do...I mean I know the general idea but as far as actual experience..."

She shook her head, embarassed about having this conversation.

"Nor do I, We don't have to rush into anything, when you're ready we'll go slow, let our instincts guide us"

She nodded, perching on the bed beside him.

His arm came round her, pulling her close as they looked out at the setting sun over paris.

xxxxxxxxxx

She could smell the night air, it was so fresh, a calm stillness in the air.

She turned to find Carlisle almost asleep, his eyes closed, as close to sleep as they would get, he must be deep in thought.

She shifted and pressed a chaiste kiss to his lips.

His golden eyes opened and a smile crossed his face as he lent forward to capture her lips with his own.

She lent back, pulling him with her and allowing the soft bed to catch them.

His hands moved to the buttons of her dress, looking into her eyes.

She nodded at his unvoiced question and shivered as the cool night air hit the now exposed flesh of her chest.

Once she was bare but for stockings he sat on is heels, admiring her body, curved and full, womanly, had she been such a goddess when she was still alive?

"Carlisle?"

Her hands were working to cover herself and he realised she must have thought he was displeased with her, if only she knew, his body was far from unimpressed.

He lent down and kissed her, her hands now abandoning her covings in favour of attempting to remove his clothing.

She admired his body as he had admired hers, his flawless beauty almost too much, did she deserve such a man?

She felt his hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him once again.

"What is it Esme?"

"I don't deserve you, you're so much more than me"

"No Esme, I am lucky to have you, If anyone doesn't deserve someone then it is me, You are a goddess and you have had to walk this earth alone for so long, all because of me. Yet you still agreed to marry me. How do I deserve that?"

"Enough sorrow for us tonight, this is our wedding night afterall"

She smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck and giggling as he lent back onto the bed, taking her with him.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

The sun rose and Carlisle watched as his wifes skin began to glitter, the golden orange light giving her an almost living appearance, she looked so beautiful in her almost sleep, her caramel red hair like fire around her head.

Her golden eyes opened to look up at him, a smile on her lips.

"Good morning Mrs. Cullen"

"Good morning Dr. Cullen"

He slid down to face her, both of them lying on thier sides toward the other, their legs intertwining and thier hands clasped, noses almost touching.

"I love you"

"I've loved you since the moment I set eyes on you in that lake, so long ago now, but unlike the rest of my human memories, so vivid, so clear in my mind, even down to the droplets of water that ran down your back"

"You really were paying attention that day weren't you"

"I didn't mean to see you, I was just so mesmerised by your beauty I couldn't look away"

She giggled at his overly romantic words.

"You don't need to impress me Dr. Cullen, you already have me wearing your ring and bare in your bed"

"Ah but I don't"

She looked confused, her red lips parting to speak but silenced by his finger.

"Because my beautiful wife, this is not my bed"

She let out a laugh, music to his ears, he would never grow tired of that sound, the sound of her complete joy, although he definetly prefered the sound of her complete and utter ecstacy more.

"Well I guess we'll have to repeat last night when we get home"

"Yes, but there is plenty of time to perfect it while we're here"

She giggled as he pulled the sheet over thier heads, littering her milky skin with kisses.

This was how it was suposed to be,she knew that if they had lived, it wouldn't have been quite this perfect. So for the centuries she spent alone she was truely greatful, for now she could apreciate her husband more than she thought possible.

xxxxxxxxxx

Review :)

Hope you have enjoyed this story.


End file.
